Vicevi i tako to

Ukinuta viza za Srbiju u EU - Prva reakcija:


Molimo gradjanina Srbije koji 19. decembra poslednji bude napustio zemlju da ugasi svetlo.


Vlada Republike Srbije




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All you ever wanted to know about Australia

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour
(not to mention a low tolerance threshold for Cretins!)

Does it
ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the
plants grow? ( UK ).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been
drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can
I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's
only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ?
( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south
of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and
then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of
the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A : Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that
quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure,
the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after
the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )

A: Only at Christmas..
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Sveti Petar i Sef su se dogovorili da ce u buducnosti primati samo slucajeve koji su umrli spektakularnom smrcu!

Nakon nekog vremena kuca netko na nebeskim vratima.
Sveti Petar: - "PRIMAMO SAMO NEOBICNE SLUCAJEVE!"
Pokojnik: - "Slusaj moju pricu!
Oduvjek sam mislio da me zena vara.
Tako sam otisao tri sata ranije sa posla, trcim ko lud 11 katova do stana, otvaram vrata,
pretrazujem cijeli stan ­i na balkonu nadem tipa kako gol golcat visi sa vanjske strane balkona i drzi se za ogradu..
Na to uzimam cekic i udaram tom kretenu svom snagom po prstima.
On pada - na grm koji ga njezno doceka. Govno!
Ja nazad u kuhinju, uzimam kompletan frizider i bacim ga preko balkona: PUN POGODAK!
Napokon je kreten sredjen, a meni je taj napor i uzbudenje donijelo infarkt i evo me kod tebe!"

- "U redu", kaze Petar, "mozes uci."

Kratko nakon toga ponovo se zacuje kucanje na vratima:
- "PRIMAMO SAMO NEOBICNE SLUCAJEVE!", veli Sveti Petar.

- "Nema problema", kaze pokojnik:
"Radio sam, kao i svaki dan, moje jutarnje tjelovjezbe na balkonu, spotaknem se na vazu sa cvijecem
i padnem preko ograde, ali se u zadnji cas uspijem uhvatiti za ogradu balkona stana ispod moga.
'Boze', pomislih, 'kakva sreca'.
Na to iznenada dolazi jedan idiot i udara cekicem po mojim prstima, ja padam i na srecu me doceka
mekani grm te pomislim: 'Ovo je ludo, vec drugi puta prezivjeh'.
Pogledam prema gore i tad me pogodi ovaj blesavi frizider!"

- "Dobro", odgovori Sv. Petar, "mozes uci u raj."

Tada ponovo netko zakuca na nebeska vrata:
- "PRIMAMO SAMO NEOBICNE SLUCAJEVE!", rece Sveti Petar.

- "Nema problema", kaze pokojnik:
"Sjedim ja nakon dobre jebacine gol u frizideru..."

- "To je dovoljno" prekide ga Sveti Petar, "udji!"



Kad sam imao 13 godina, nadao sam se da cu jednoga dana
imati djevojku.

Sa 16 godina imao sam djevojku, ali nije imala strasti, pa sam zakljucio da
mi treba strastvena djevojka sa zivotnim zarom.

Tijekom studija sam se zabavljao sa strastvenom djevojkom, ali je bila
suvise emotivna. Sve je bilo problem, bila je kraljica drame, cijelo vrijeme je
plakala i
prijetila samoubojstvom.
Tada sam zakljucio da mi je potrebna djevojka sa stabilnom osobnosti.

S 23 godine sam nasao vrlo stabilnu djevojku, ali ona je bila dosadna.
Bila je potpuno predvidljiva i nikad se nije uzbudila ni oko cega.
Zivot je postao toliko dosadan da sam zakljucio da mi treba malo
uzbudljivija djevojka.

S 27 godina nasao sam uzbudljivu djevojku, ali nisam mogao drzati korak s
njom. Jurila je od jedne stvari do druge, nikad se nigdje ne zadrzavajuci,
cinila
je lude iznenadne stvari i cinila me je isto toliko jadnim koliko i sretnim.
U pocetku je bila zabavna i vrlo energicna, ali nije imala nikakav pravac.
I tako sam odlucio da nadjem djevojku koja ima jasne ciljeve.

Kad sam napunio 31 godinu, nasao sam pametnu, ambicioznu djevojku, koja je
stajala cvrsto na zemlji i nju sam ozenio.
Ona je bila toliko ambiciozna da se razvela od mene i uzela mi sve sto sam
imao.

Sada sam malo stariji i mnogo mudriji i trazim samo djevojku s velikim
sisama.

buahahahahah ludjace! ima ode citat 2-3 dana ;p